Coaching the Family Team

When I see people lash out in angry ways to feel famous, hear people jump on negative band wagons to feel a sense of belonging or witness prejudice because of a fear of losing power, I become fascinated with the ‘WHY’.  Why do humans act in these damaging ways?  My experience tells me these people are lacking a sense of power and/or meaning in their lives.  When I teach Bullyproofing to young people, I tell them that Bullies often feel a lack of positive power in their own lives, so they resort to negative power.  By positive power, I mean a sense that they have some control in their lives, they have choices and a say, they feel heard.  If we don’t feel positive power, we resort to getting power in a negative way by affecting others to prove that we can impact the world around us.  I see it all the time: kids who act out at school to get attention or to get a rise out of others or argue incessantly to feel heard and to challenge authority.  Clearly they are trying to reclaim or create a bit of power in their world.  The other stand-out reason people may behave in ways to create attention or belonging is due to a lack of meaning in their lives.  They may have, sadly, been hurt by places they felt belonging or found meaning. Or they struggle to find it to begin with.  Without a sense of meaning, humans often feel lost and are easy targets for hacks who make money or power themselves off lost followers.  When we feel lost, it is easy to jump at the chance to feel the “us against them” bonding and togetherness.

So….how do we help our kids (and ourselves) create feelings of meaning and power in our daily lives to avoid negative behavior?  To help kids feel powerful in their own lives, let them make as many safe decisions as possible and then let them experience the result.  Ask them repeatedly what their heart or instincts tell them to do.  Allow them to have different opinions from other family members and in fact, celebrate the courage it takes to speak their opinions.  Celebrate individuality!  Ask for opinions often about innocuous things like favorite ice cream flavors,  where they would go on vacation, etc.  Take votes whenever possible and let it be a democracy on safe decisions.  LISTEN thoroughly and without judgment as often as possible. And encourage helping a cause.  When we worry about things in the world, it helps us feel better and more positively powerful when we volunteer or donate money or learn about a challenge facing people or the planet.  This volunteering and helping causes leads right in to finding meaning.  If we feel that we are making a difference, even a tiny one, we connect to meaning.  Many kids benefit from a spiritual or religious connection.  Being on a team or in a group that works together in some way boosts our connections and thus our meaning.  Your family team can provide one of these connections so talk with pride about your family, tell funny family stories, look at photos and relive memories.  Remind kids to practice looking for meaning in their lives and speak of what brings you happiness and fulfillment.  Different things will resonate with each person and they are the only ones who can find positive power and meaning for themselves.  As parents, it is heartwarming to witness your kids grow in these areas because we know the joy and self-confidence they bring.