Is teenage rebellion necessary?

Thoughts on minimalizing teenage rebellion.

I was prepared for some major teen rebellion in our house.  I mean, I worked hard to raise independent people who listened to their own hearts and who could find their own voices.  It’s kind of like when you can’t wait for your baby to learn to walk and then they do and you just wish they would stay in one place.  I thought I wanted to raise independent thinkers, and then there were days I wish they would just listen to ME!  Not really….well come on, it would have been easier….. but, NO not really!

I asked my 16 year-old why she thought the 3 kids had not rebelled in naughty ways.  She said because they feel like they are heard and allowed to voice opinions and make choices.  We don’t boss them around.

It turns out that empowering these young people to figure out their own opinions, beliefs, likes/dislikes actually seemed to minimize the need for rebellion.  Now don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of eye rolls, exasperated breathing noises and purposeful acts of procrastination!  We had 3 teenagers in the house for a couple of years and I felt it.  They pushed us and argued with us (I don’t know why I said that in the past tense!) and we parents annoyed them by our mere existence. Normal stuff! But I worked hard to let them know they were acting normally and that this stage was understandable.  I remember saying “I understand your feelings; I remember being your age; I’m sorry this is hard for you; You are supposed to question us; I understand how you feel, but you can’t break the family rules”.  I tried to not shame them for being teenagers.  I TRIED to listen more and boss around less. I think the understanding helped and it definitely diffused situations.  Not feeling heard and not having our opinions valued can send any of us to rebel.  If we are in trouble for being a teenager anyway, why not do what we want.

I also worked to allow them as much of a voice as possible by giving them choice and power.  I let them make as many decisions as possible, as long as they were safe and the actions were moral according to our family rules.  Clothes, hair, decorating, all their choices as long as they were safe and moral.  How to keep their rooms, their choice.  This could be annoying to me and I certainly didn’t always handle it well….ok…I yelled about rooms you couldn’t walk in to without getting hurt.  But it was their choice.  Activities, jobs, social plans all their choices as long as they were safe and moral.  They each took turns choosing family movies, games, dinners out.  They have been empowered to look into and choose next steps that fit and interest them.  They have chosen High Schools and Colleges.  They can research how they want to vote (OK…this may be hard for me if they vote differently from me! But I will live.)  The fun part is seeing who they become or witnessing them truly becoming themselves!  It is an honor and a joy to get to know them on a deeper level because they are free to discover themselves.

So no, I don’t think big teenage rebellion is necessary for growth when growth is allowed to happen naturally.  Knock on wood……