Why asking for help is one of the most genius things you can do!

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Teach your kid that asking for help is aAs we have all figured out already, unfortunately none of us know everything. So we might as well not try to learn everything on our own and reinvent the wheel. ASK FOR HELP! Sometimes we get stubborn or we get arrogant or embarrassed and we think “I’ll reinvent the wheel myself. I’ll design it. I’ll build it. I’ll market it. I’ll use it. I’ll replicate the process so other people can use it.”  Now, if that’s fun for you, great. Go for it! But if your goal is really just to have the wheel and be able to use the wheel, you don’t have to reinvent it. Ask for help. Ask questions, ask for suggestions, find mentors.  Get the wheel you need quickly and efficiently; save yourself the time and the headache.

Some of the most successful people I know are people who ask questions.  Often it is people I respect as quality parents already, who ask me for parenting advice. I see my two brothers, who are extremely successful with their businesses and finances, ask for tips and ask other successful people how they ‘made it’. They ask for help, suggestions, advice.  It doesn’t mean they have to use every piece of advice, but they have learned that it benefits them to keep asking. So many exceptional people I know are ‘askers’ because really, they just want that metaphorical wheel. They want to use it in their everyday life to make life easier or they just want to use the wheel to get to the next stage and move on. They don’t want to be stuck. They really desire progress. They know the end result they are shooting for, they know their goal. If the goal is being an even better parent or creating a stronger business or quitting smoking, being an ‘asker’ works. Whatever the goal is, there are people who have done it successfully so you might as well learn from them. It’s so smart, efficient and mature.

I am proud of my kids when I see them asking for advice from others.  I suggest it to them often because I want them to have the courage to approach someone they admire and learn from them.  I don’t have every answer and neither do they, so it is smart of them to find people who have had success in an area where they have interest and be an ‘asker’. I suggest they ask “How did you get here? What tips do you have? If you were me, starting out, what would you do?” And guess what, it is a win-win. People feel honored when someone asks them for tips. It makes them feel good to be viewed as worthy of advice dispensary. And who knows, your kid might make a connection that leads them to finding their own path to a happy life. Go be an ‘ASKER’ and help you kids do the same! We’ll all be geniuses in no time.

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Having a Little Faith in Your Kids

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Have a little faith in kids!

It’s the perfect time of year, as school is starting again, to look your child in the eye and tell them “I have faith in you!”.  They will appreciate your confidence in them.  I believe they will rise to the occasion and be a better student and friend.  They will also probably feel relieved hearing it. They know what we wish they would do differently and they know perfectly well about their perceived ‘failures’.  But do they know we still have faith that they can have a great year? That we do still trust them and think highly of them?

There was a time when one of our kids was struggling and not at their best.  I realized one day that we were always talking about what they needed to do better, tips on how to succeed, etc., etc.  I suddenly felt the need to tell them “I have faith in you”.  That was all I said.  I didn’t want to dilute it or say “BUT…..”.  This kid looked at me with such relief that I nearly cried. They needed to hear it and I needed to say it.  It felt really good.

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Empowering kids to stretch themselves so they are flexible, resilient and brave!

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Empowering kids to stretch themselves so they are flexible, resilient and brave!We want our kids to learn to stretch themselves – to try new things. We want them to be flexible – to be able to deal with challenges and setbacks or not getting their way or with bad news. We want them to be able to bounce – be resilient, have coping skills, be able to make a comeback, focus on the positive.  We want them to be BRAVE!

People need self-esteem and support to be this way. We have to practice stretching like anything else. You can help your kids stretch by exposing them to many experiences and asking them to take risks. You can also tell them when you feel stretched by something or nervous about something new. Putting ourselves out there and surviving, not even thriving, but simply surviving gives us strength and courage to try again.

Simple steps to encourage stretching:

  • Travel! – near or far, by road or plane, for one day or several
  • Find ways to meet new people
  • Take a class or go to camp alone to learn a new skill or hobby and meet new people
  • Get a job or volunteer role where the rest of the family will not be there
  • Sleepovers without family
  • More important chores at home that show you trust them to handle something new
  • Let them talk with people alone, so you are not tempted to answer questions for them
  • Small steps towards independence = riding bike or walking to the store alone with money to buy a drink, planning and being in charge of a family event, making decisions and planning the redecorating of their room (and doing a lot of the work!)

When we stretch ourselves, we grow and learn that we will be ok outside of our familiar places and routines. This gives us confidence, the courage to be brave and a sense of personal power.

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The Power of Remembering Who is on Our Side

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Kids feel safer when they know they haveClose your eyes and picture the people you have in your life who support you, want what’s best for you and can give you ideas and suggestions.  These are your ‘human resources’.  When I work with kids right before they head to middle school or high school (and it works for any age) I ask them to brainstorm what adults they have to talk with about important issues.  I have them write down this list of their human resources.  I suggest where to find these people: school, neighborhood, church, teams, extended family, family friends.  I ask them to picture and list as many trusted adults as possible; people they know care about them and whose opinions they value.  As parents, these are our assistant coaches while we coach the family team.

Kids feel safer, especially in transition times, when they know there are several people in their corner.  The thought of having adults, in addition to parents, of whom they can ask tough questions, gives them hope and options.  We all need to remember how many folks we have in this world who want what is best for us.  Reaching out to one or more of these people when we do not know what to do, or could use advice or need a listening ear is powerful.  When someone asks us for advice we feel honored and even more connected to them, so it is a win-win!

 

Posted in coaching kids for success, coaching the family team, confidence, creating strength, Important conversations, resources for parents, Sense of belonging, Teens, unity | 1 Comment

When is a kid a ‘tattle-tale’ and when are they a truth teller?

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Tattle vs tellClassrooms ask me on a regular basis to help them understand the difference between tattling and telling.  Understanding when it is important to tell the truth and report an issue can literally save lives.  Being known as a ‘tattle-tale’ can be social suicide.  Kids are afraid of the pressure of making the wrong choice between these extremes.

I teach young people some of the wrong reasons to tell on someone that can make you a ‘tattle-tale’ include:

  • to win an argument
  • to prove you are right and someone else is wrong
  • to get someone in trouble
  • to try and look good or impress someone
  • because someone is getting on your nerves
  • before you have tried to solve the issue yourself
  • when someone is doing something that is none of your business and not hurting anyone

I also tell kids, that if they have tried a couple of times to solve a challenge themselves and they are not being respected, they can ask the teacher or adult around how they want them to proceed.  For example “Miss Smith, I have asked someone in the class to please stop yelling at me and they won’t stop.  What do you think I should do?”.  No names at this point.

The times kids should ‘tell’ or ‘report’ or ask for help solving a problem include:

  • when they have tried to solve a challenge a couple of times on their own and have not been heard, AS LONG AS it is their business and it affects them or someone else
  • to make things better for the group
  • MOST IMPORTANTLY – when they think someone is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else.  Tell kids, if they get help when someone may hurt themselves or someone else, they are a HERO, not a ‘tattle-tale’! Period!

Sometimes we have to remind young people that bullies or peers engaging in naughty behavior may not want to get into trouble, so they may call you names like ‘baby’, ‘chicken’ or ‘tattle-tale’ or they may threaten you to stop you from telling the truth.  But talk about how proud they feel when they know they do what is right and that it can relieve stress to talk with an adult about issues that have been concerning them.  Telling the truth is very brave, especially when there is pressure to do otherwise.

 

 

 

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Finding the Ability to Laugh at Ourselves

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Teach kidsHow to LAUGHI find that being able to laugh at yourself is one of the best coping mechanisms out there.  I give myself reason to laugh at myself on a very regular basis.  Not because I am hilarious, mind you, but because I am hilariously flawed and laughing about it is much more fun that crying about it! I realized recently that I view it as a stepping stone to maturity when I watch my kids find humor in their own particular idiosyncrasies.  I have worked hard helping them learn to be able to laugh at themselves.  It is easier for some and harder for others.  And I will say, we all have topics regarding our insecurities that we can not find funny…maybe ever.  That is ok, too.  Then we have to find kindness and understanding for those sensitive areas.  Maybe they will be funny someday,  maybe not.  I am 50, and just now finding it ok to make fun of my lack of innate tidiness.  I try so hard…but it doesn’t come naturally.

Helping my children accept themselves fully so they take themselves and their mistakes less seriously, has been one of my biggest parental goals.  I worked on it by trying to show unconditional love, as we all work to do.  Even if I was MAD (not just mad, but MAD) at them, I always sang their bed time song when they were young and always say ‘good night, sweet dreams, I love you, see you in the morning’.  I do this even if I feel like slamming my bedroom door and not talking to them instead.  I also work to model admitting my own mistakes or foibles openly.  I make fun of myself by saying things like “You know me, I can not for the life of me……or I always…”!  Or admitting when I am just plain not good at something.  No pressure to be perfect around me.  At the same time, I promote celebrating what we are proud of doing.  Accepting praise and tooting our own horn honors the successes, which in turn makes it easier to acknowledge the mistakes as well.  I have coached kids on how to own something.  I have been known to challenge one of them by saying “go tell Dad ‘you know me, I’m so hard on myself, that I…..’ with a smile on your face”.  Hoping they will realize it’s not the end of the world! And actually, it’s freeing to accept yourself and be amused by your own humanity. It definitely makes life a smidge easier and more fun in the process.

Posted in confidence, creating strength, Important conversations, Teaching compassion, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Your home is your Family Team’s locker room for Life

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick
Create a family team locker room in your home.

Create a family team locker room in your home.

     Think of your family home as the locker room in which you prepare your children for life. Your kids will live most of their life away from you, though it doesn’t always feel that way. Your job is to prepare them for the game of life, no matter how young they are.  By creating this sense of teams in a locker room, you inspire connected and eager teammates ready to take on the world. In a locker room teammates get to know one another; they learn the rules and consequences of breaking the rules; they learn the coaches and teams expectations; they enjoy a sense of belonging.

Before a lot of connecting can happen, family teams need to spend a lot of time getting to know each other by asking questions and showing interest in the other teammates lives.  True listening needs to happen so trust can be built and so everyone can feel heard.

Clear, overt and fair rules and consequences are also vital to building a team mentality.  If kids feel like rules or consequences for breaking rules are constantly changing or are different for different kids or are unjust, they will not respect them!  Sometimes parents need to explain why this is a rule for our family and why we think the consequence to breaking the rule is fair.  It doesn’t matter what other family teams expect, explain why our family has these high expectations (we have faith in you to be the best person you can be, we want to raise the bar so you will reach for it, our family has strong values and morals, etc.).

We all need to belong to something larger than ourselves.  If our family does not provide some sense of belonging, young people often look elsewhere.  The risk here is that then they listen to this other group and is that group leading them in the right direction?

You can help develop a sense of pride in belonging to your family team by:

1. Telling and retelling funny family stories and remembering moments when it was great to be in your family.

2. Making it ok to remember the idiosyncrasies by happily saying things like “So many Kilpatrick’s have short attention spans, even our dog is easily distracted!”

3. Creating and sticking to family traditions.

4. Fostering relationships between each family member grouping.

5. Attending each other’s events as much as possible to show support and prove that each individual is important.

 

Posted in coaching the family team, creating strength, Family, Important conversations, Listening, Sense of belonging, Team building, Uncategorized, unity | Leave a comment

Talk Time

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick

Every family could use more designated talk time.

How to get kids to open up with you through Talk Time.

How to get kids to open up with you through Talk Time.

I had a friend who used to have ‘pillow talk’ every night with each of her two boys. She said they shared more readily when it was just the two of them in a darkened room. They got in to the habit and she loved it, as I am sure her boys did. This was when she learned about deeper feelings or dreams and ideas.  For my kids, it was often the drive home from school when I heard about the happy, sad or frustrating parts of their day.  We were in a safe, quiet space and I was looking at the road rather than looking directly at them.  I was a captive audience for thirty minutes.

Families have different schedules and comfort areas. It needs to work for you and your child and it needs to be a routine that allows for open, loving communication that will not be interrupted if at all possible. This is not the time for criticism or suggestions, it is the time to listen and understand. You can make suggestions tomorrow about today’s upsets or challenges. There may be times when it is better for Mom to be the one checking in and times when it is better if it is Dad or a caretaker. Or maybe one of you is better at the listening than the other one. It is worth figuring out and adding to your schedule so you get into the habit. Once your child sees it is a habit they open up even more. They trust that this is the time to share and they may share big or hard things because they trust that they will not be judged during this time, they will just be heard.

Posted in coaching the family team, creating strength, Family traditions, Important conversations, Listening | Leave a comment

Is teenage rebellion necessary?

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick
Thoughts on minimalizing teenage rebellion.

Thoughts on minimalizing teenage rebellion.

I was prepared for some major teen rebellion in our house.  I mean, I worked hard to raise independent people who listened to their own hearts and who could find their own voices.  It’s kind of like when you can’t wait for your baby to learn to walk and then they do and you just wish they would stay in one place.  I thought I wanted to raise independent thinkers, and then there were days I wish they would just listen to ME!  Not really….well come on, it would have been easier….. but, NO not really!

I asked my 16 year-old why she thought the 3 kids had not rebelled in naughty ways.  She said because they feel like they are heard and allowed to voice opinions and make choices.  We don’t boss them around.

It turns out that empowering these young people to figure out their own opinions, beliefs, likes/dislikes actually seemed to minimize the need for rebellion.  Now don’t get me wrong, there have been plenty of eye rolls, exasperated breathing noises and purposeful acts of procrastination!  We had 3 teenagers in the house for a couple of years and I felt it.  They pushed us and argued with us (I don’t know why I said that in the past tense!) and we parents annoyed them by our mere existence. Normal stuff! But I worked hard to let them know they were acting normally and that this stage was understandable.  I remember saying “I understand your feelings; I remember being your age; I’m sorry this is hard for you; You are supposed to question us; I understand how you feel, but you can’t break the family rules”.  I tried to not shame them for being teenagers.  I TRIED to listen more and boss around less. I think the understanding helped and it definitely diffused situations.  Not feeling heard and not having our opinions valued can send any of us to rebel.  If we are in trouble for being a teenager anyway, why not do what we want.

I also worked to allow them as much of a voice as possible by giving them choice and power.  I let them make as many decisions as possible, as long as they were safe and the actions were moral according to our family rules.  Clothes, hair, decorating, all their choices as long as they were safe and moral.  How to keep their rooms, their choice.  This could be annoying to me and I certainly didn’t always handle it well….ok…I yelled about rooms you couldn’t walk in to without getting hurt.  But it was their choice.  Activities, jobs, social plans all their choices as long as they were safe and moral.  They each took turns choosing family movies, games, dinners out.  They have been empowered to look into and choose next steps that fit and interest them.  They have chosen High Schools and Colleges.  They can research how they want to vote (OK…this may be hard for me if they vote differently from me! But I will live.)  The fun part is seeing who they become or witnessing them truly becoming themselves!  It is an honor and a joy to get to know them on a deeper level because they are free to discover themselves.

So no, I don’t think big teenage rebellion is necessary for growth when growth is allowed to happen naturally.  Knock on wood……

 

Posted in creating strength, Family, Friendship, Important conversations, Listening, support for families, Teens, unity | 2 Comments

How to give a true, genuine apology

Posted on by Sabina Kilpatrick
An apology builds trust, teaches responsibility, heals wounds.

An apology builds trust, teaches responsibility, heals wounds.

The first thing I address when I am teaching character education, bully-proofing or communication skills is how to give a true, genuine apology.  I have done it with three year olds through adults. We all need to hear it,  it is actually really simple and it is the most powerful step in healing or growing a relationship and a reputation.  Apologizing well teaches us to take responsibility for our actions and helps us see situations from someone else’s point of view.  It also reminds us that we all make mistakes, it happens in every relationship and mistakes can be healed.

Steps to a good apology:

  1.  Wait until you have your words, have calmed down, and WANT TO FIX THINGS versus wanting to prove you are right and they are wrong.
  2. Look the person in the eye and face them.
  3. Keep your voice calm and sincere.
  4. Use simple “I messages” with specifics about your transgression.
  5. Do not bring up what the other person did and do not expect a certain reaction or response.  This is about YOU making amends, not about them forgiving or taking some of the responsibility

For example : “I am sorry that I yelled at you, I should not have done that.”

So quick, so simple.  If they want to argue or blame, say “I just wanted to apologize for what I did. We can talk about it again at another time, if you need to” and get out of there.  Short and sweet and then moving on are best.  Give the other person time to ponder your apology and calm down themselves, if needed.

I have had plenty of experience seeing this work to calm situations and help relationships….not that I have personally made lots of mistakes and needed to apologize or anything…..yikes…..

 

Posted in coaching kids for success, coaching the family team, Creating kids of character, creating strength, families, Friendship, Important conversations, Team building | Leave a comment